A journey of healing is a commitment to being present as much as is possible at any given point along the way.
Through this awareness, I have found myself revisiting old behaviors and facing the same emotional triggers periodically throughout my journey. This can be frustrating. No matter how much work I do, I always seem to attract potential for the same experiences over and over again.
Just last week I could feel myself beginning to procrastinate and couldn’t understand where it was coming from. I decided to let it be for a few days as I was aware we were still going through the process of the full moon.
But it persisted. So much in fact, that I began to procrastinate about procrastinating... You can imagine the potential for this to become quite frustrating. I decided I would confide in a close friend who helps me to redirect in times like these. After a few minutes of talking with him, I remembered the whole point of why I was going through this.
I remembered a vision that I'd had while in an Ayahuasca ceremony this year. I was stuck on a thought process loop, which was comprised of little thought process loops. Loops on loops…. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to get off the process. In fact, the experience got so intense for me that the Shaman had to come and help me to relax and focus.
For the days and weeks following this event, I couldn’t fully understand what the vision was showing me.
I did however understand that I, like almost every person alive, have subconscious belief systems that keep me engaged in recurring behaviors and thought patterns. This much was clear. But I couldn’t understand how to get off the loop without help. I saw every recurring pattern that I engage with, every behavior and every projection.
Unfortunately, I got no answer right away. It took me some time and a lot of being present and aware of myself to finally get what was being shown to me. Finally, after this discussion with my friend, it clicked.
The reality of my vision, and indeed my own reality is, while I grow and expand, my world around me evolves also. Therefore, there is no loop. My realization of the truth left me speechless. I realized that the spiral of life is of course present in my experience. I am part of the spiral of life. I AM the spiral of life!
When I revisited my Ayahuasca experience, I realized on closer inspection that my vision was in fact a spiral. I was being shown my evolution as I spiraled through behaviors and encounters, each behavior being affected by each encounter and each encounter being affected by each behavior, continuously spiraling and evolving through my entire life, on every level. The realization that the encounters and behaviors would continue to be there, ever evolving with me along my journey, shocked me a little. This was a game changer. Doing the work to evolve through these situations is what it is all about!
With this new perspective, I am able to welcome all recurring behaviors back in for reworking, healing and growing. Now I realize with each revolution of the spiral, I grow and expand and therefore change the behaviors and thought processes. Just like diluting a drink over and over many times, with each revolution, the healing process dilutes the behavior a little more, until it becomes unrecognizable, and in time, possibly even a strength. Which in turn eventually renders the encounter stagnant and nonrecurring. What a breakthrough, that is, until the next round of course. I pray that I can remember to remember this the next time.
This spiral of life is always present, it IS life.
We can choose to be present and aware of our input into our own and indeed other peoples personal spiral or not, either way the spiral will continue to r-evolve. How our lives evolve is entirely our own choice. There is no end, no finish line, no goal!!! There is only change, growth and the constant Revolution of Evolution.
I stand strong and tall as I walk through the valley of my soul, the smoldering embers of the victims pain and suffering behind me. As I walk away, Humbled, Empowered and Victorious, I walk into my heart remembering how beautiful i truly am.